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nothing is real, part XIII

by my head is empty

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about

My friends. After battling my diagnosis with MS over the last 9 months, i am finally ready to share this. I apologize sincerely it took so long. There was a time when i couldn't walk. I couldn't control my hand or play guitar. It felt like electricity everywhere. I won't go into the disease here but,

Somehow and i know this will sound crazy but, Thru the sheer power of conversation i think i may have cured myself of this. They say it's not possible however here is my theory.

As a child there was heavy abuse from someone who was suppose to protect me, i had long since compartmentalized this trauma. It led me down a life of self hatred and depression. I was taught from a very early age that well, I'm nothing, and ill always be in 2nd place.

Because of the drugs they put me on to treat the disease, i had a panic attack, near psychotic episode and unlocked all these suppressed memories. I told my father and my closest friend in the world and to my surprise i was not judged. I learned at this age of 27 that everyone around me struggles with darkness too, and i don't need to destroy myself anymore. I'm so incredibly UN-special that its well, quite special.

For the first time it feels like my body and my mind are working fully. A feeling i've never felt. I do not wish to die sincerely anymore. In fact, I want to live the best i can and dedicate my life to making the darkest things i can to essentially throw a life line to everyone out there who felt exactly how i do.
I've sat in the darkness for so long i began to romanticize it.
I feel as though thru the darkest depths of suicidal tendencies, I know how to speak this language now. The language of the dark, dark.
I know i can connect with the lost ones and show them they aren't alone. Even if it takes a long time for my message to be understood, that you are not alone, that your demons aren't your own, that's what i'll do. It is my lifes work to make music with as real of emotion i can, because the lost ones like myself know; That nothing is real. All i want in this life is to keep on connecting with those who resonate with this sound, and even for just a moment help them feel as if they are not alone. That i feel you. I know how it feels. I feel it with you and it's so incredibly powerful to just be alone, together.

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Hangman is featured on track 4. For the first time there is a guest vocalist on a nothing is real album.
I've gotten to know this wonderful man for some time now and it's become clear he is like a brother to me.
His story is not exactly the same as mine, yet his darkness felt all the same. I knew right away after we began to speak he knows how it feels, and perhaps it is why we are so drawn to each-otherss music. He is a Russian speaker. I cannot understand most anything this man says. Yet i know exactly what he is saying. I can feel it, and even in my instrumental music he feels exactly my pain. There is something beyond language with music. Raw emotion. When its felt, it's felt and that's all that needs to be understood. I hope you all enjoy myself and HANGMAN screaming our lungs out. Im terrible at it, but god it felt good. For me there will always be something genuine about the hometown kid with more heart than talent, and this sound for me is genuine and real, in a world where nothing is real, i am un-afraid to show you all my terrible voice. Hopefully it will inspire just one person to show their flaws aswell and see themselves, they way i see them. Beautiful.

credits

released February 19, 2022

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my head is empty

my head is empty (formerly tidecruz) music plays in various shows on the VICELAND network, in the film eHero with Sean Astin, an Adidas documentary, and as the soundtrack for the upcoming video game Monsters - Trouble In Paradise, by Q-Games of Kyoto, Japan. ... more

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